A Better Man

The checkout girl at Express Counter Six was in tears.

She had the word TRAINEE printed on her name tag.

She looked up and asked if I have a membership card.

I said, No, and proceeded to unload my items from the cart onto the conveyor belt.

Several beads of warm tears rolled down her cheeks.

A girl from the next counter spoke to her in the local dialect, I don't know what you see in him.

He treats you badly, she said. He doesn't love you.

The girl said nothing. Her breathing was slightly halting, holding back the welling tears.

She quietly separated my items into three plastic bags: dry food, wet food, non-food.

She turned around and said, It's forty-two and fifteen cents.

I made sure I gave her exact change. She waited patiently for me to dig out the five cents.

You don't know him like I know him, she whispered to herself.

The cash register loudly rattled and whizzed.

As she handed me the receipt, the girl tried to force a courteous smile and make eye contact.

Thank you for shopping at New World Mart!

I returned her smile in kind. As I gathered the plastic bags, I said, Sorry about your boyfriend.

She looked away politely and replied with a hushed voiceless Thank you.

Warm tears began to gather and swell at the far corner of her eyes.

As I walked off, I could see fragility wrapped in hope standing by the counter in a brave pose.

Author's notes - This actually happened on 25 October 2009. She was in tears, but she did not make any effort to wipe them off or hide the sadness. She just stood there, all quiet and somber, working like normal, but with tears rolling down both cheeks. Customers queued on her line, noticed her in quiet tears, but nobody said anything.

It was surreal. I could not imagine the kind of pain she was having inside.

On the way back, in the car, I was reminded of a lovely Pearl Jam song called 'Better Man' that went -

She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man
She lies and says she still loves him
Can't find a better man
And that's why she'll be back again

- and I could not help but feel that the girl will likely hold on to her man with the hope of being able to change him.

Because she sees something in him. Because she loves him so much and is involved too deep. Because she could not bear the thought of being alone again - being single and endlessly looking. Because she could not bear the hurt or having to face other people and go about defending herself. Because deep down she believes that there is no other man, that this man is her jodoh, that she truly deserves this man, this kind of man - just as the old saying goes, Jodoh yang baik-baik untuk orang yang baik-baik.

Whenever I receive a kad jemputan to a girl's majlis kahwin, my feeling would be very mixed. Happy, because she has finally find the first step to blessed happiness. Honored, because she remembers me and make it a point to send me a card, a personal invite. Ashamed, because I have not been a really good friend, had never said Hi often enough to warrant an invite. Regret, because I could have very well been the lucky man, if I had drum up the courage to admit how I feel and seize the opportunity.

But above all that, I would mostly feel very sad.

Because I know that she deserves a better man.